Have a problem at work? Here are 6 times when listening can be part of the solution.
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Recently a reporter asked me to name the one piece of advice I most often give clients. Because coaching isn't supposed to be just about giving clients standard advice, I side-stepped that question. But since then I've been dreaming that if I could wave a magic wand to give all of you one enhanced career skill, that super skill would be listening.



By "listening" I mean you not only shut your mouth long enough for the other person to talk, but you also shut down the voice in your head when it tries to tell you what to say next. You concentrate on the speaker, and you hear what they say even if it means you have to fight an urge to judge or be defensive.



Humans have a deep and often unmet need to be heard and understood. Neuroscience suggests that people go through life aching to have their concerns acknowledged and their presence felt. When we truly listen we meet that need and connect with the speaker in a special way, even though it might not seem that way at the time.



And listening is such a fundamental part of human interaction that at some level we can usually tell if someone is actually hearing us, or just pretending. Research on "mindful listening" shows that people, and even animals, can sense whether we're engaged in the moment or just waiting for our turn to talk. And when we deeply listen without feeling defensive or judgmental, we're more likely to come across as genuine, charismatic and attractive.



Becoming a stronger listener can be like building your physical strength. You build your listening "muscle" by noticing your reactions to a speaker and then putting them aside. For example, let's imagine your friend says, "you let me down." You instantly think "that's not true!" But instead of interrupting, you put that defensive thought aside and hear what else your friend has to say.



Then you could go further and encourage the friend by asking positively worded, open-ended questions. Instead of arguing, you might ask, "How might I have handled this in a more supportive way?"



You can sharpen your skill by practicing throughout the day in low stress situations, like when you're chatting with a barista or sales clerk. For just a minute or two, give your normal concerns a rest and shift your focus to the needs and interests of someone else.



Great listening goes beyond hearing a person's words, and includes noticing body language, facial expressions and signs of emotion. It helps to be relaxed, so you might want to take a few deep breaths before starting a conversation that could be challenging. A good way to start a listening session is to summon up compassion for the speaker by imagining what it's like to see things from his or her perspective.



Here are 6 situations where exercising your best listening skills is a good strategy:

  • When you're a leader. The great management guru Peter Drucker called listening the "first competence of leadership." He advised his clients to develop the "discipline" of keeping their mouths shut, and he suggested that remaining silent isn't enough. As team members speak, show that you hear what they say by nodding or restating their points. Let them know you care what they think, even though you may not always agree. And recall Drucker's comment that "the most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said."


  • When you're starting something new. At the beginning of a new job or project it is tempting to talk a lot, to show off your competence and knowledge. Often the better approach is to ask questions and demonstrate your commitment by paying deep attention to the answers.


  • When you're trying to make your case. When we fall into debate mode during a meeting, we may ignore others' comments and obsess about the points we want to get across. A better approach is to work to understand our colleagues' goals and concerns so well that we can frame our suggestions with a minimum of conflict. Collaboration is a vital career skill, and it starts with appreciating the viewpoints of all the players.


  • When you're in the middle. Have you ever found yourself caught between two warring parties? You know it would be a mistake to take sides, but it can be a challenge to participate in meetings without seeming to align with one faction or another. The best approach here is to consistently present yourself as an open-minded listener. Let everybody know you're always willing to be fair and hear what folks want to communicate.


  • When they're hard to get along with. Once we start thinking of people as difficult, we may stop really hearing them. As they speak, we feel defensive and start working on our rebuttals. At some level they know we're ignoring them, so their obnoxious behavior gets worse. You can often defuse a tense situation by putting aside your resistance and concentrating on what is being said. By quieting your negative inner commentary, you may launch a new era of healthy communications.


  • When you want to look confident. If people feel insecure they may chatter about nothing, brag too much about their achievements, or insist their opinions are correct despite the weight of the evidence. Genuinely confident people aren't afraid to stay quiet. They already know what they think and now they want to know what you think. If you want to come across as self-assured, look for opportunities to shine the spotlight on others. Ask questions and be respectful of the answers.

  • Listening is a powerful strategy in endless career dilemmas. It can help you understand what's happening, show that you care, and build a supportive team or broader community.